Why SaaSS is the Software Savior You Never Knew You Needed

Sun, 7 Jan 2024

I've previously talked about why dial-up internet is better, and why VHS tapes are better than DVDs and Blu-Ray. Now I'd like to talk about why you should stop running your own copies of software, and why SaaSS is the software savior you never knew you needed.

Remember that quaint, bygone era when you actually used software? Longing for the sweet embrace of dependence, the warm, fuzzy feeling of being at the mercy of a benevolent (or maybe not-so-benevolent) overlord? Tired of that pesky "freedom" and "control" bundled with your software? Pah! Like rocking your own socks - so passé.

Forget the dark days of clunky installers and dusty manuals. Rejoice, for the future is here - And it's revolutionizing how we... well, not precisely use software, but rent-a-license-to-use-it-for-the-foreseeable-future. Let me tell you, this utopia is sleek, shiny, and chock-full of features designed to make your every digital whim... well, not exactly possible, but at least delightfully dependent.

But hold your horses, skeptics! Before you scoff at the idea of relinquishing control and embracing tyranny, let me enlighten you with nine glorious benefits that will make you ditch your dusty old software copies and sing hosannas to your new overlords. Welcome to the refreshing world of Service as a Software Substitute or SaaSS!

1. Freedom from Understanding? Oh, Yes, Please!

Source code? What code? Who needs the messy, confusing, and potentially soul-crushing task of understanding how software works? Learning software is shuddering work! SaaSS grants you the sweet liberation of blissful ignorance. Just point, click, and pray to the overlord that the magic algorithms know what you're trying to do. After all, understanding would only lead to dangerous ideas like... wanting to be able to change it. SaaSS is a black box of magic, a digital genie that grants your wishes without you ever having to peek behind the curtain. No more pesky installation disks. Just a monthly bill that screams, "We're in control, baby!" Who cares if you aren't really in control? The mystery is the new user-friendliness!

2. Sharing is for Chumps!

Remember that warm-and-fuzzy feeling of sharing software with friends? The horror -- forget about it! SaaSS puts an end to such reckless generosity. Why waste time sharing software with friends when you can point them toward the same overlord to get the same restrictions? Bonus points if that overlord throws in some draconian regulations in the Terms and Conditions on sharing passwords to keep things extra cozy! Think of it like a fancy club with a velvet rope and a bouncer who insists you show your subscription receipt. Sharing is for socialists, anyway!

3. Bow Down to the Overlord!

Sure, you could "fix" software in the olden days. But who needs such autonomy when you have the ever-watchful gaze of the SaaSS overlord? Why maintain your software when you can outsource the entire burden to a (only slightly monopolistic) overlord? Let them worry about updates, security patches, and server crashes. You focus on your job, like refreshing the "Is it down yet?" page every five minutes. Think of them as your digital nanny, always ready to swoop in with a "patch" or "update" (read: mandatory software lobotomy) to keep your software running exactly as... they... intend. No more pesky fiddling - sit back and enjoy the comforting hum of your digital leash.

4. Changes? What's That? Just Say "Themes"!

Why risk the contamination of outside ideas about how the software should work when you have the pre-approved playground of the overlord? Why waste time and brainpower changing software when you have a dazzling array of pre-approved themes? Sure, they might all look like they were designed by a committee of overcaffeinated hamsters, but hey, at least they're colorful! Think of it as a playpen for digital toddlers: safe, enclosed, and filled with colorful buttons that (mostly) don't lead to existential meltdowns.

5. Upgrades? Upgrades! Who Needs Stability?

Remember the days of software stability, when software stayed put, predictable, and reliable? With SaaSS, that's gone! Remember those annoying software updates that changed or removed something you loved? Remember being able to refuse those new versions? Also gone - just like dial-up modems and floppy disks. SaaSS is all about the "dynamic" dance of "upgrades." The overlord will constantly tweak, update, and "improve" things, even if it means breaking everything you ever loved. Features can appear and disappear like snowflakes in a blizzard, leaving you perpetually surprised and slightly bewildered. These surprise gifts from your overlord (often delivered at 3 AM, Pacific Standard Time) may add "exciting new features" like "buggy interfaces" and "mystery menus." Let the overlord tinker under the hood while you... uh... watch? Maybe? They'll definitely email you about it. Maybe. Sometime. After it happened. Probably. Embrace the chaos - it's all part of the SaaSS adventure! Think of it as a never-ending software mystery box, where the only constant is the monthly bill. Was the old version better? Too bad - Embrace the ever-shifting sands! Think of it as digital quicksand - exciting, unpredictable, and not at all a metaphor for your dwindling control.

6. Security You Can Trust (Maybe)

Why worry about data breaches and privacy concerns when you can outsource all that to an overlord with a questionable track record? They'll keep it safe in the "cloud" (wherever that is) and encrypt it using the latest algorithms (mostly) to which they hold the encryption key but promise to never look at it and not sell it to the highest bidder. Trust them, they're professionals!

7. Lock-in is the new freedom!

Remember the thrill of self-reliance? Ditch that nonsense! With SaaSS, you're part of a beautiful ecosystem where everything revolves around... wait, who's at the center again? Oh, right, the overlord! They're the sun; you're the helpless sunflower. Ever dreamed of being trapped in a digital ecosystem where switching is like trying to escape a quicksand pit? Who needs the clutter of physical hardware when you can store all your data and software in the ethereal realm of the "cloud"? SaaSS is your answer! With every click, every document, every custom setting, you're slowly building a chain that binds you to your overlord for eternity. But fear not, for this is vendor loyalty's sweet, sweet taste!

8. Community? Don't Be Silly, They Have Live Chat!

Remember when you could call a friend to get help with your software? Remember the messy, organic communities of users helping users? SaaSS laughs in the face of such quaint notions - They monopolize support! Need help with a bug? Need a feature? Now, troubleshooting, bug reports, and feature requests involve:

  1. Navigating their labyrinthine support portal.
  2. Filling out a form longer than War and Peace.
  3. Waiting patiently for a canned response that vaguely addresses your issue.

It's like an interactive game show where the prize is mild frustration! But hey, at least you get to interact with a chatbot! And if you're lucky enough to get to the sterile paradise of a vendor-monitored live chat, the responses might be canned and the wait times worthy of an Olympic sport, but who needs genuine human connection when you have... emojis? And remember, any dissent from the official party line will be swiftly met with a digital dunce cap (read: temporary ban).

9. The Ultimate Freedom: Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here!

In the end, SaaSS is a beautiful exercise in surrender. No more responsibility, control, or choice, just the gentle hum of the "cloud" as it cradles you and gently whispers, "Resistance is futile." So join the flock, digital sheep! Embrace the SaaSS life - it's the only one you've got (unless you remember that dusty computer in the attic.)

So there you have it, folks! Nine glorious reasons to embrace the liberating world of SaaSS. Now go forth, ditch your dusty software collections, and embrace the glorious uncertainty of the "cloud"! Remember, with SaaSS, you're not getting software; you're buying a one-way ticket to a lifestyle - a lifestyle of dependence, frustration, and the occasional existential crisis, where control is an illusion and updates are a surprise party. But hey, at least you'll have a dazzling login screen!

Disclaimer: This blog post is satire. Please do not actually abandon all your software in favor of SaaSS. Unless, of course, you enjoy digital bondage.