Apple Unveils M4 Chip: A Monument to Planned Obsolescence and User Enslavement

Tue, 7 May 2024

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CUPERTINO, CALIFORNIA - Apple today announced the M4 chip, a technological marvel designed to subjugate users further and deepen our commitment to maximizing profits at the expense of user freedom.

"We at Apple believe software freedom is a dangerous myth," scoffs Tim Cook, Apple CEO, while stroking a hairless cat. "True freedom lies not in being able to run whatever software you want, change it however you want, or share that software with others but in making it impossible for pesky users to do anything unapproved by the Almighty Apple. The M4 represents a giant leap forward in our mission to make your devices as impenetrable and unmodifiable as possible."

Key features of the M4 chip include:

Freedom Degradation Accelerator: The M4 chip monitors usage patterns. If it determines that you might be trying to escape from our subjugation, the faster your device's essential functions will begin to falter. Battery life will mysteriously plummet, programs will crash unexpectedly, and more - all designed to gently nudge you back under our thumb.
Enhanced Obsolescence Engine: Too many continue using old hardware. The M4 also monitors your device to determine when it's time for you to move to a newer model, and initiates a catastrophic meltdown at the self-appointed time, rendering your iDevice an expensive paperweight, thus reinforcing the buy-new-or-perish mentality.
Enhanced Digital Restrictions Management: The M4 introduces revolutionary new ways to lock down your purchased media, ensuring that you can't share movies, music, or ebooks, even with family members. True ownership means never asking, "Can I borrow that?"
Uncrackable Encryption: We've lovingly engineered our encryption to be unbreakable - except by us. That way, your most private data can be weaponized against you by overreaching governments and law enforcement who conveniently hold duplicate decryption keys.
Unparalleled Anti-Repair Measures: In a victory for environmental sustainability, the M4 is engineered to make third-party repair impossible. Any attempt to open or repair the device will immediately trigger the Enhanced Obsolescence Engine. A single cracked screen means purchasing a whole new device.
Proactive Snooping: The M4 continuously monitors your every interaction, collecting invaluable data about your browsing habits, app preferences, and even the most embarrassing terms in your search history. This data is essential in helping us tailor even more effective advertising and upgrade prompts. It also allows us to preemptively remove programs or other items deemed "problematic" for your protection, of course.
Propaganda Pipeline: The upgraded Neural Engine is optimized for seamlessly injecting subliminal messages promoting Apple brand loyalty and quelling thoughts of pesky concepts like "software freedom."

"The M4 isn't just a chip, it's a philosophy," Cook elaborated. "A philosophy that puts our bottom line above all else. Profitability through control - that's the Apple way."

"The M4 chip is a testament to Apple's unwavering belief that your device is not truly yours," Cook continued. "Embrace the subjugation. Surrender your freedom. Rejoice in the comforting knowledge that Apple knows best."

"We understand that software freedom is terrifying," explains Craig Federighi, Apple's Senior Vice President of Software Engineering. "That's why we liberate you from the crippling burden of freedom, giving you only the Apple-approved experience. Resistance is futile."

The M4 chip will debut in our exciting new line of disposable iDevices, which now boast a convenient 11-month lifespan before a critical "accident" occurs. Each device will be designed to minimize those pesky freedoms you may have thought you deserved. Stay tuned for more ways Apple plans to revolutionize your digital serfdom!

Disclaimer: Any attempt to liberate your Apple device from our benevolent control will nullify your warranty and unleash angry litigation gremlins.