Feeling Off? You Might Be Allergic to Proprietary Software

Sat, 2 Mar 2024

In a world overrun by dreadful EULAs, a silent epidemic is spreading, and the symptoms are more insidious than you think.

If you've ever experienced the following, you might suffer from a little-known but surprisingly common condition: a proprietary software allergy. This affliction can be seriously debilitating, causing a range of uncomfortable symptoms and let's be honest: those flashy commercials for prescription medications have nothing on the real-life symptoms triggered by encounters with proprietary software.

While your doctor may not have a prescription on hand, let's delve into the classic tell-tale signs that you might be struggling with an allergy to proprietary software:

Sleepless Nights: You toss and turn, unable to sleep soundly until your computer runs an entirely free operating system. Your mind races over that you don't truly control its software. The shackles of proprietary restrictions keep you awake!
That Sinking "Can't Share" Feeling: A sudden, overwhelming sinking feeling of helplessness when you cannot legally share a copy of that incredible photo editor with your friend.
Sneezing Sprees: End User License Agreements are your kryptonite. Violent, uncontrollable sneezing fits are triggered by the sight of those long-winded, indecipherable End User License Agreements written in microscopic, headache-inducing legalese. And when they trigger an uncontrollable sneezing fit, your body's just expressing its displeasure with the countless restrictions about to be imposed on you.
Forced Update Rashes: Red, itchy blotches that mysteriously appear with every forced update. You loved the way the software worked. Sure, it had quirks, but it was your quirky software. Then, bam - the operating system decides it's time for a surprise makeover via a forced update, like an uninvited guest, whether you like it or not, rearranging your workflow and leaving your skin burning with irritation and helplessness.
Itchy, Watery Eyes Upon Seeing a Proprietary Program's Splash Screen: Your eyes start to water and burn when they catch the mere sight of that familiar proprietary software splash screen and logo. It all sets off an irresistible, eye-watering, screen-blurring reaction like you've been chopping onions. Why? Because deep down, it's like your body knows trouble is ahead as you've just been handed a tightly-wrapped package that's sucking away your freedom and control.
Overwhelming Despair When the Trial Period Expires: You were seduced by the feature-rich promises of the free trial. But now, the clock has struck midnight, and deep, existential despair settles in as you see the dreaded "Your trial period has expired" notification. It's as if your once-fabulous and favorite tool has suddenly turned on you, transforming into a digital pumpkin, refusing to function any longer. At the same time, you lose access to your precious work, triggering a full-blown case of the sweats.
The "Developer Knows Best" Hallucination: A belief that whoever wrote the program possesses a divine right to dictate how everyone else can use, modify, and share it... if at all. After all, it's merely doing your computing.

Don't worry, you're not alone. Millions suffer silently from these software-induced ailments, often without even realizing the source of their troubles.

The Root of the Problem: The Proprietary Itch

These symptoms aren't just a nuisance - they point to a fundamental incompatibility between your values and the restrictive world of proprietary software. It's the itch you can't scratch, the desire to break free from the digital shackles imposed by those who view software as a weapon of restriction rather than a tool of liberation.

The Free Software Remedy

Proprietary software allergies can be frustrating, but they don't have to control your life. While there's no prescription pill, there is a potent remedy: free software. Like a soothing balm, free software is the antihistamine to your digital woes by granting you these freedoms:

Freedom to Use: Run the software for any purpose you wish.
Freedom to Study: Examine how the software works and adapt it to your needs.
Freedom to Change: Modify the software so it does what you want, how you want.
Freedom to Share: Distribute copies, helping your friends and community.

Switching to free software can be like a breath of fresh air. Imagine this:

Free as in Freedom: Reveling in the blissful absence of restrictions as you embrace software that respects your rights as a user and removes the shackles.
Updates on YOUR Terms: Undesired changes become a thing of the past as you control if, when, and how your software evolves.
Power to the User: Customizing software to fit your needs like a glove, tweaking those annoying settings, not being forced to work around someone else's vision, and fearlessly peeking under the hood to see how the magic happens.
Software Sharing Parties: Joyfully sharing software with friends and colleagues, basking in the warm glow of camaraderie.

Ready To Feel Better? The Choice is Yours

Will you resign to a life of sniffles, itches, sleepless nights, and software-induced misery? Or will you embrace the freedom of liberation that free software brings?

The path to digital wellness is clear. If you're tired of the proprietary software sniffles, it's time to change. Ditch the proprietary software and let the healing power of free software wash over you. Don't be a proprietary software victim any longer! Embrace the world of free software - your eyes, your sanity, and your freedom will thank you for it.

Disclaimer: This blog post is a work of satire. Allergies to proprietary software are not recognized medical conditions (yet). However, the loss of freedom and control caused by proprietary software is genuine!