## Reaching out for help
-### FIXME
+I want to take a moment to highlight that it's OK to ask others for help. I've struggled with asking for help. Part of my reluctance with asking for help was instilled in me whenever I asked a question and got the dreaded "you should know that already" response. Other times I thought that by asking for help I would diminish my reputation somehow. I'd be exposed as a fraud and an impostor. Folks would wonder why they trusted me in the first place. But when I did ask for help the response I received wasn't "why don't you know this?"; it was "why didn't you ask for help sooner?". Sure, there were occasions where I would receive criticism or surprise for not knowing something, but I've found that the benefits of asking the question outweighed the negative effects I might face.
+
+Asking for help isn't limited to just asking technical questions. There are many more ways that we might need help. We may need to ask our colleagues to help us during a difficult time in our lives. We may need the help of our management when we're struggling personally and professionally. We may even need a whole other set of support staff to help us along (doctors, therapists, etc.). Involving other people with our struggle can be daunting (even overwhelming) but getting help early can help prevent the more serious forms of burnout and stress.
-One of the most challenging aspects of programming that I've seen is in reaching out and asking others for help. We tend to avoid it because we don't want to seem foolish or less of a capable programmer. We might have had instances where we've asked for help only to be told that we didn't do enough research into the issue we're having. It's difficult for us to admit that we need to rely on others for support. Often there's the feeling that asking questions or asking for help is a sign of weakness. If we can't do everything on our own then perhaps we're unworthy of being considered a programmer. We discount our knowledge and label ourselves a fraud for needing external support.
+The most common reason for our reluctance in asking for help is our desire for comfort. Asking for help means placing ourselves into a state of vulnerability and hoping the people we're asking to help us will treat us with kindness, respect, and dignity. This vulnerability can be amplified if we don't know the person we're asking for help, or if the person is a medical professional. But putting ourselves in these vulnerable situations is necessary, especially if the problems or situations we're facing are out of our control or experience. If we're close to burning out (or are suffering through burnout) we may need the help of a doctor or therapist to uncover better ways to cope with what we're experiencing. If our job is causing stress and strain we may want to talk with others in our community to see if we're alone in experiencing these feelings. Even the simple act of commiseration with our peers can help us realize that we're not alone in facing these issues, and may help us find better ways of managing our workload and stress.
-There's also the fear that we'll become a burden if we ask for help when we struggle. These feelings can be magnified if we've had issues with learning, or are suffering from PTSD, chronic fatigue, or any number of physical, mental, or emotional constraints. There's the tendency to want to do more for ourselves, even if that is unlikely to work for us.
+"There's no shame in asking for help" is an overused phrase, but asking for help is not a shameful act. We need the help of others. Even someone saying "I'm sorry you're dealing with that" can be a connection with someone else who sympathizes what we're going through. Finding others who are willing to listen, empathize, and commiserate can be the difference between feeling part of a community and feeling like we've been abandoned in our profession.
+
+### FIXME
-I know from my own experience that
+We also need to recognize when our support systems aren't supporting us any longer. If we find that simply taking about a problem isn't giving us resolution we may need to find other means of help. You may recognize that you need some additional support, but it's far more common for folks to believe that they can do it all on their own. Only you know your situation and only you know if you're being honest with yourself and if you're deluding yourself. And if you're deluding yourself then only you can take the initiative to seek out the help that you need. Nobody else knows your inner-workings better than you.
## Giving up
projects / themediocreprogrammer.git / blobdiff