## The emotions of programming
-There's a stereotype of a programmer sitting emotionless in front of the computer entering lines of code as though they were just transcribing them from memory. But if you've been around programmers you know that it's more like the stereotype of the frustrated composer. We bask in the glories of code that works perfectly the first time. We glower at code that misbehaves. We go from cheering ourselves in victory to cursing the machine with clenched fists. We swing from emotion to emotion: exuberance, joy, fear, anger, resentment, sadness, loneliness, guilt, and shame.
+There's a stereotype of a programmer sitting emotionless in front of the computer. They sit quietly entering lines of code as though they were transcribing them from memory. But if you've been a programmer or have been around programmers you know that it's more like the stereotype of a frustrated composer. Sure we sit in front of our computers for periods of silence and concentration but we're far from emotionless. We bask in the glories of code that works perfectly the first time. We glower at code that misbehaves. We go from cheering ourselves in victory to cursing the machine and threatening it with clenched fists. We swing from emotion to emotion: exuberance, joy, fear, anger, resentment, sadness, loneliness, guilt, and shame.
No wonder we're exhausted by the end of the day.
-Programming is a taxing process. Not only do we need to keep a mental model of the software we're working on, but we also have our emotional attachment the software. Our emotional state can mirror what we feel about what we're creating; whether we're excited, bored, or stuck. Keeping a positive attitude about software that isn't measuring up to our expectations is exhausting. Couple that with our own insecurities, fears, and doubts and you begin to see why programmers tend to burn out - it's a combination of the stress of the job and our emotional reaction to that stress.
+Programming is a taxing process. Not only do we need to keep a mental model of the software we're working on, but we also have our own emotional attachment the software. Our emotional state can mirror what we feel about what we're creating; whether we're excited, bored, or stuck. Keeping a positive attitude about software that isn't measuring up to our expectations is exhausting. Couple that with our own insecurities, fears, and doubts and you begin to see why programmers tend to burn out --- it's a combination of the stress of the job and our emotional reaction to that stress.
## Emotional drains
-There are several factors that can cause us emotional highs and lows. These are some that I've noticed in my own programming.
+There are several factors that can cause us emotional highs and lows while programming. These are some that I've noticed in my own programming.
### Purpose and utility
-If we clearly see where this code will become useful we can get a sense of drive and purpose. We're working toward something that will benefit folks! Whatever pitfalls lie in wait for us we can be assured that we will do our best to make sure that we conquer them as best we can because people are depending on us. We can tap into the emotional high of self-worth and purpose to help buoy us along.
+If we clearly see where and how this code will become useful we can get a sense of drive and purpose --- we're working toward something that will benefit folks! Whatever pitfalls lie in wait for us we can be assured that we will do our best to make sure that we conquer them as best we can because people are depending on us. We can tap into the emotional highs of self-worth and purpose to help buoy us along.
-The opposite is true, of course. If we don't see the purpose then our work will seem in vain. We'll struggle to meet deadlines and feel a sense of worthlessness in our pursuits. Sometimes it's just a bad project, or it's a project that isn't aligned with our underlying purposes and goals. We can be frustrated trying to meet some arbitrary deadline if we don't see the point of what we're working on.
+The opposite is true, of course --- if we don't see the purpose then our work will seem in vain. We'll struggle to meet deadlines and feel a sense of worthlessness in our pursuits. Sometimes it's a project that isn't aligned with our own purposes and goals. Or it could be a poorly managed project that we're forced to work on, despite our never explicitly agreeing to the terms. We can be frustrated trying to meet an arbitrary deadline if we don't see the point of what we're working on.
### Engagement vs. boredom
-You've already experienced several layers of engagement with your programming. There are projects and topics that don't feel like a chore. You feel like you're learning something each step of the way. Time disappears.
+You've already experienced several layers of engagement with your programming. There are projects and topics that don't feel like a chore. You feel like you're learning something each step of the way. The outside world disappears while we work in a cocoon of focus. We lose track of time and feel both disoriented and refreshed when the work is completed.
-Conversely you've likely experienced the opposite: boredom. The code base doesn't engage you at all. The topic being covered is just re-hashing something you already know. It's a chore to get started and the minutes drag along throughout the whole process.
+Conversely you're probably more familiar with the opposite: boredom. The code base doesn't engage you at all. The topic you're learning or working on is just re-hashing something you already know. It's a chore to get started. Everything in the world feels way more interesting and the minutes drag along throughout the whole process.
### Awake vs. tired
-Sleep is a major contributor to how we perceive the world. Getting enough sleep manifests in feeling refreshed, awake, and inspired. We have the energy reserves at the ready to take on whatever challenges befall us. But when we don't get enough sleep (or enough quality sleep) we become irritable and less-open to engagement. We conserve our resources as best we can lest we use them up too quickly.
+Sleep is a major contributor to how we perceive the world. Getting enough sleep manifests in feeling refreshed, awake, and inspired. We have the energy reserves at the ready to take on whatever challenges befall us. But when we don't get enough sleep (or enough quality sleep) we become irritable and less-open to engagement. We conserve our resources as best we can lest we use them up too quickly. We look to stimulants (caffeine, distractions, and the like) to keep us engaged throughout the day.
### Mental state
-I'm using "mental state" in a broad sense to cover any of our existing feelings and current mental well-being. These can range from temporary feelings of unhappiness and melancholy to complex topics like clinical depression and PTSD. Our minds are complex machines that do their best to adapt to the situations and environment presented to them. At times this can clash with our desires to be productive and the struggle between our mental state and our desires can cause further emotional drain, discomfort, and despair.
+I'm using "mental state" in a broad sense to cover any of our existing feelings and current mental well-being. These can range from temporary feelings of unhappiness and melancholy to complex and serious topics like clinical depression and PTSD. Our minds are complex machines that do their best to adapt to the situations and environments presented to them. At times this can clash with our desires to be productive and the struggle between our mental state and our desires can cause further emotional drain, discomfort, and despair.
There are more things that can affect our emotions but these are the ones that I'd like to focus on as they cover a broad spectrum of what we bring to the tasks of learning and programming.
Note that we're not trying to change our emotional state. We're not trying to force ourselves to be something we're not. If we're truly unhappy with where we are or what we're doing it's more helpful to see what's causing this unhappiness than to try to paper over those emotions. Seeing our emotions clearly allows us to see what is causing them. Being present with these emotions allows us to better understand our mental state and what we're capable of in the moment.
-You can do this in the context of mindfulness meditation but even sitting still in your desk and saying "for one to two minutes I'm just going to sit here and explore my emotional state" should suffice. Seeing our emotions for what they are and thinking to what is causing them can help us understand what we're feeling.
+You can do this in the context of mindfulness meditation but even sitting at your desk and thinking "for one to two minutes I'm just going to sit here and explore my emotional state" should suffice. Seeing our emotions for what they are and digging in to find out what is causing them can help us understand what we're feeling.
+You might already know what is causing these emotions and emotional state and be afraid of exploring them. Some emotions may overwhelm us and make us feel things that we don't want to feel. Do as much of this as you are able and be gentle with yourself. You may find that your gentle prodding of these emotions can lead you to better understand them. Be as brave as you can with these emotions and if they start to overwhelm you then pull back and let the residue of those feelings subside before continuing.
## Our story
-Each one of us have a story that we tell ourselves. The stories we tell ourselves shape our perception of the world. We tell ourselves stories of how the day will be, and how we will engage with the day. We create a world in which we are the central protagonist of our story (which we are). We tell ourselves stories like "the work I'm about to do will be amazing" or "I'm going to work through this problem quickly and will have an awesome solution when I'm done". Or we tell ourselves a story about how we're not good at what we're doing and will likely fail in the attempt. We weave a tale of struggle, pain, and misery.
+### FIXME
-Our emotions inform the story we tell. If we're feeling amazing we tell ourselves that what lies ahead will also be amazing. If we're feeling down and defeated our story reflects that.
+Each one of us have a story that we tell ourselves. The stories we tell ourselves shape our perception of the world. We tell ourselves stories of how the day will be, and how we will engage with the day. We create a world in which we are the central protagonist of our story (which we are). We tell ourselves stories like "the work I'm about to do will be amazing" or "I'm going to work through this problem quickly and will have an awesome solution when I'm done". Or we tell ourselves a story about how we're not good at what we're doing and will likely fail in the attempt. We weave a tale of struggle, pain, and misery where everything wrong with the world is the direct result of our actions.
-The story is just that - a story. Our stories are not a guarantee of how the day will progress. We can tell ourselves that today will be amazing but watch in horror as each interaction we have causes that story to reflect a different reality. Or we can say that today will totally suck and we won't accomplish anything but instead have a pretty decent day.
+Our emotions inform the story we tell. If we're feeling amazing we tell ourselves that what lies ahead will also be amazing. If we're feeling down and defeated our story reflects our defeated tone.
-What we can do instead of creating these grand stories is focus more on the things that we love about the present moment. Instead of saying that we're going to have an amazing day we can say that there are things that we are looking forward to in this project and we hope to work on them. Instead of filling your day with dread you can focus on the little victories along the way. Yes, even something as small as "my computer booted without crashing" can be a victory.
+The story is just that --- a story. Our stories are not a guarantee of how the day will progress. We can tell ourselves that today will be amazing but watch in horror as each interaction causes a very different story to emerge. Or we can say that today will be terrible and we won't accomplish anything, but instead have a pretty decent and productive day.
-Giving ourselves the power to focus more on the present and the very next steps we're about to take gives us the freedom to recalibrate as the day progresses. We can focus on the positive aspects of what we're doing instead of seeing how reality is diverging from our internal stories.
+What we can do instead of creating these grand stories is focus more on the things that we love about the present moment. Instead of saying that we're going to have an amazing day we can say that there are things that we are looking forward to in this project and we hope we can work on them soon. Instead of filling your day with dread you can focus on the little victories along the way. Yes, even something as small as "my computer booted without crashing" can be a victory.
+
+Giving ourselves the power to focus more on the present and the very next steps we're about to take gives us the freedom to re-calibrate as the day progresses. We can focus on the positive aspects of what we're doing instead of seeing how reality is diverging from our internal stories.
## Awareness in action
It's easy to become fatalistic about the practice of programming but I've realized that there's more to computing and programming than what I see in the job market.
-(Discuss the world of computer science, and curiosity)
+Part of the joy of programming is the curiosity. If we can continually tap into that curiosity then we have so many avenues to explore. From game programming to some of the more esoteric languages there are always topics and ideas to discover. What the job market uses is but a fraction of what is out there. There's also a whole host of emulators and retro-computers available with good documentation. One of the things that I'm curious about is how older computers work. But there are also newer, lower-powered machines out there in the embedded space that are fascinating to look at and understand.
+
+But there can also be the realization that there's no joy left in programming. The thought of programming no longer excites us and even the thought of trying something new fills us with dread. We no longer want to even try. What then?
+
+If we no longer find joy in programming then we need to understand why we feel that way. Perhaps we're tired and have been through a project that drained all of the fun and excitement of programming. Or we found that the communities in our area and online are hostile and unwelcoming. Maybe we thought programming would be fun but every time we start we wish we were doing something / anything else instead.
+
+Programming is not for everyone. I strongly feel that programming is something that is best when you really want to do it. But if you're stuck in a situation where you don't want to do this anymore then it's perfectly reasonable to step away from it and give up. There's no shame in this at all - many programmers have decided they lost the spark and the desire and have gone into other fields. Stepping away from the computer is perfectly fine.
+
+It's OK to walk away from programming and do something else. Programming is only one facet of our lives. True, it may be a big facet, and it may feel scary to give up something that we've worked so hard to accomplish. But if we examine our feelings and realize that we're just going through the motions, or see that we're no longer finding any joy in programming then it's time to think about what else we can be doing with our lives. We're granted a limited amount of time to live our lives and doing something we don't enjoy robs us of a meaningful life.
+
+Giving up doesn't have to be a negative experience. Taking time away from being a programmer is perfectly fine and is not a mark of shame. Plenty of programmers have taken a "sabbatical" from programming to allow themselves to explore other interests and recharge themselves. Breaking the loop of negative experiences in programming can help us clearly see what we want out of programming and a programming career. It can help confirm our innermost feelings about programming and see if it's right for us to pursue any further.
+
+There are several fears that can keep us from making this break with programming. The first fear goes by the fancy name of the "sunk cost fallacy". This fallacy is the belief that we have invested too much time and effort that will be wasted if we quit. I would argue that learning any sort of programming is not a wasted skill and can be applied to many facets of our lives, such as simplifying tasks into manageable steps, and basic Boolean logic.
+
+The second fear is that if we stop programming that we are letting down our fellow programmers in some way. This one is tricky because we might be on a team where we have a large load of tasks to complete and our decision to quit may mean these tasks won't get done the way we wanted them to get done. Or we may fear that our absence will cause harm to the enterprise and its eventual collapse. This fear requires us to choose between which is more important: our well-being or the well-being of others. It also requires us to explore whether those fears are true or whether they are groundless. Are we really that irreplaceable or can someone take our place? Sometimes the answer may be "no, but I need to do this for me or I will cause harm to both of us if this continues". Thinking in terms of the well-being of both you and the organizations you belong to in longer-term prospect may help you make this decision.
+
+The third fear deals with our own personal fears of identity and the memory of our community. If we decide to stop being a programmer will that somehow erase a part of our identity. Will our community stop identifying us as a programmer and will we lose contact with folks that have become friends, colleagues, and such. Again, this is tricky to overcome because programming may be a large part of the identity you crafted for yourself. Letting go of that can lead to you feeling less like yourself. And the fear that folks will stop calling you for programming projects can be compounded if you feel that you might just need a break from programming and may wish to return.
+
+Each of these fears is a valid fear, but they may not be the truth. We can't control how others perceive us or how organizations move on without us. What we can control is our participation in each of these communities. We can determine if a hard break from programming would be better than gradually easing ourselves out of our commitments. We can clarify to others what our current standing is and if this is something that is permanent or temporary. But what is most important is that we don't let others persuade us into doing something that is harmful to us. If we need to stop programming because we are emotionally drained and burned out then we need to make it clear to others that we will be doing them a disservice if we continue.
+
+Mature communities will understand the need to stop programming and walk away. They will understand that your mental and emotional well-being is more important for you than their needs to continue. And they will be able to piece together what needs to be done and heal from your absence. It is natural and normal for folks to move on from organizations and pursue other priorities.
+
+What's important to remember is that it's OK not to be a programmer and to turn off that portion of your being. Whether or not that is a permanent change is up to you and your desires. Programming is hard enough. Feeling emotionally drained, uninspired, and burned out is counterproductive to your programming exercise. Taking a break from programming to explore other interests is natural and doesn't mean you're less of a programmer for wanting to recharge yourself. And should you realize that you are happiest when you're not programming then we can appreciate the time that you were a programmer and promise to meet again someday should you return.
projects / themediocreprogrammer.git / blobdiff