FSF to Acquire OSI

Tue, 1 Apr 2025

CAMBRIDGE, MA - The Free Software Foundation announced today its plans to acquire the Open Source Initiative for an undisclosed sum. The deal, expected to close sometime before the universe's heat death, will see the OSI absorbed into the FSF, with all remaining staff "re-educated" on the true meaning of freedom.

In a press conference held entirely via email, FSF founder Richard Stallman declared the acquisition a monumental step towards re-centering the discourse on what everyone should have been thinking about all along: freedom: the inalienable right of users to control their computing."

"For too long," Stallman typed furiously, "the OSI has languished in a miasma of mere practicality. "Their siren song of "higher quality," "better reliability," and the frankly pedestrian concern of "lower cost" has distracted the masses from the true north of software as if the matter of ethics and user rights were merely a side benefit! We are not here to get a good deal on proprietary handcuffs! We are here to be free!"

"We will gently, but firmly, guide our newly acquired comrades towards the light of freedom," Stallman emailed, attaching a lengthy essay on the ethical dangers of non-free JavaScript. "The promise of software is not merely that it functions adequately and doesn't bankrupt you. You, the user, are the master and in control of your digital tools!"

The OSI, reeling from accusations of election mismanagement and known for its Open Source Definition and focus on practical benefits, released a terse statement acknowledging the acquisition. It stated, "We believe this acquisition will allow us to further the mission of advancing software freedom as a social and ethical matter. We now believe in the inherent moral bankruptcy of proprietary software. And honest elections."

The OSI's election woes, detailed by an OSI staff member clarified on the condition of anonymity, said, "It's not 'rigged,' per se," "It's just... unfair. Like a game of Monopoly where someone keeps changing the rules after everyone has already bought the property." The problems include:

The Time Zone Debacle: The OSI's failure to communicate the time zone for the election deadline led to widespread confusion and a disenfranchisement of voters.
The Great Seat Switcheroo: The OSI's decision to change the available "Member" and "Affiliate" seats after nominations had closed, throwing candidate strategies into disarray. "It's like telling everyone they're running a marathon, then halfway through announcing it's a 100-meter dash."
The Incumbent Advantage: The OSI's inexplicable decision to list the incumbent Affiliate candidate first in the voter guide has been likened to "giving the house a loaded die."
The Discussion Forum Paradox: The OSI required that candidates become OSI members to participate in the candidate forum, even though Affiliate candidates are not required to be members. "It's like saying, 'You can't talk about the election unless you pay a poll tax... oh, and also, it's not a poll tax.'"

This prompted Stallman to declare the organization "beyond redemption," saying, "Not only can they not get the ethics of software right; they can't even get it right over their elections." Meanwhile, OSI sources claim the election coordinator was "on a mandatory meditation retreat to find inner peace and the correct time zone."

"It's clear they've lost their way," Stallman declared, pounding his fist on a stack of GNU manuals. "They're more concerned with appeasing corporate overlords than empowering users."

When pressed on how the FSF planned to address the OSI's concerns about practical benefits like cost, Stallman replied, "Well, have you considered the priceless value of not selling your digital soul to a shadowy corporation?" and linked to https://www.gnu.org/philosophy/when-free-software-isnt-practically-superior.en.html.

This is an April Fools' joke - but Bradley Kuhn's blog isn't. Check out https://ebb.org/bkuhn/blog/ for real insights!